Reflection
Reflection on Thomas Hart's Book
What Does it Means to Be a Man?
By: Sandra V. Padilla, January 18, 2010
Reading Thomas Hart’s book made me think a lot about my own biases - How I as a single, Hispanic, Catholic, professional woman in my 40’s can sit down and listen to others like me and not like me…
The book made me reflect on three aspects of spiritual direction: my biases toward male directees, the search for wholeness and the world of emotions. All of us grew up with some sort of belief on how men and women should behave. Even after much education we know that sometimes and at some unconscious level, we still carry those stereotypes. So how conscious am I about my own biases when I am doing direction? How do I catch myself being strong, analytical, structured, solution-based when I am dealing with male directees while I am compassionate, attending, and caring with woman directees? I know that I can bring either skill set or a combination of skills to any directee. I recognize that as a woman I need to be aware that some of the skills can be used with male directees and that may be exactly what they need. I have learned that I need to be intentional and conscious when dealing with male directees. On the other hand, I know that sometimes I need to be analytical and structured when dealing with females directees, for example, when they need help sorting through their feelings and making sense of the presence of God in their lives.
As I was reading the book I appreciated that the book offers a complete and practical approach to spirituality. As Tom Hart said in the interview, he didn't mention spirituality until the last chapter of the book. He reminded me that we are integrated beings who need to look at our lives not as a complex set of aspects that do not relate to each other but as interdependent and integrated aspects of a life that has both a human and a spiritual dimension. I was reminded that when doing spiritual direction I need to ask where is God in ALL aspects of life. Where is God in relationships, in finances, in work, in family, etc? Direction is not only asking where God is in prayer or in the weekly services but recognizing the presence of God in all aspects of life.
Another important aspect I was reminded of was the world of emotions. As Hart was explaining how men react to feeling, I was thinking that some of his considerations also apply to us women. Sometimes it is not gender that defines our way of expressing emotions but our personality traits, upbringing and even traumatic experiences. For me as a five in the enneagram, the thinker who likes to go to the head, to the world of ideas, be an observer of the world, and someone who shuts down as a clam during difficult times, feeling is something that does not come easy. I recognized that some of his considerations really make sense to me and to others, not only to the male population. One example is the use of the focusing technique.
Even though this book was written with the male population in mind, I think there are a lot of things that women can learn and reflect on from it for themselves, for their friends, partners, spouses, directees or any other person that comes across in their journey. Read it!
